Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

Director: Paul Weitz
Cast: Chris Massoglia, John C Reilly, Josh Hutcherson, Patrick Fugit and Salma Hayek
Releasing in cinemas: 11 March 2010
Rated: M

Scary as a lollipop spider

You may think this movie has something to do with the infamous Freaks directed by Tod Browning in 1932. One of the most disturbing horror flicks ever made, it was banned in the UK for thirty years because it used real side show freaks and ended in a gruesome scene that’s not easily forgotten. Browning is best known for his Dracula (1931), which established Bela Lugosi as the vampire count. Or perhaps The Vampire’s Assistant could be related to Ray Bradbury’s uneasy stories about eerie carnivals resulting in the film Something Wicked This Way Comes.

But no - The Vampire’s Assistant has little to do with those past horror shows; in fact it’s based on the children’s book by Darren Shan. This is more an action thriller rather than an eerie journey into the gothic and unspeakable; partly because the film’s use of vivid colour which seem at odds with the traditional atmosphere of foreboding. It views like an action comic. I’m a mild sufferer of arachnophobia yet even the monstrous spider looked pretty stupid in its lollipop coloured stripes and skittish animation.

Young friends Darren (Chris Massoglia), who's fascinated by spiders, and Steve (Josh Hutcherson), who's fascinated by vampires, sneak a visit to a ‘one night stand’ freak show in their town. Darren’s not much impressed except by a magician and his weird performing spider, while Steve seems interested in the succession of freak acts. However it’s Darren who becomes involved with a member of the cast - Crepsley owner of the spider which does tricks.

Crepsley (John C. Reilly), who has a dark side as a vampire, inveigles Darren to become his assistant and live in the circus of freaks. Darren’s befriended by bearded lady clairvoyant Madame Truska (Salma Hayek) wearing her facial hair and cleavage like a fashion statement, snake man Evra (Patrick Fugit) and a monkey girl with an expressive tail, Rebecca (Jessica Carlson).

Steve is also recruited by a clan of more bloodthirsty vampires who are at war with Crepsley’s lot. The hostility is stirred by sinister fat man Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris) hovering in the background pulling strings to set the vampire clans at each other’s throat for his own amusement. The two friends may have to face off in a deadly confrontation.

In secondary roles playing their parts to the hilt are a few noted actors including a delicious cameo by Willem Dafoe (Antichrist), yet the film lacks that shudder-and-shake quality. Only very young adolescents will be scared enough to stop eating popcorn. Helmed at a fair pace by Paul Weitz (About a Boy) - brother to Chris Weitz director of Twilight: New Moon - the film is aimed squarely at female teens, while Paul’s excursion into bloodsuckers is aimed at their boyfriends.

John C. Reilly (The Aviator) with his scenery-munching Crepsley tries hard to ‘flesh’ out his vampire character, and scores points for enthusiasm and holding the film together. He even does a tap dance routine with his pet spider. Salma Hayek (Once Upon a Time in Mexico) and Jessica Carlson provide the necessary feminine charm. Massoglia (The Hole) and Hutcherson (Journey to the Center of the Earth) hit their marks and remember lines without making inroads to the Academy Awards next year.

The obvious use of CGI to create the freaks almost works against them; they simply don't look real. Perhaps this is intended, as there’s an element of comedy with snappy one liners - ‘being human isn’t about what you are, it’s about who you are.’ The film opens effectively with Saul Bass style titles, then a lot of Technicolor happenings which, as mentioned, don't lend to a spooky feeling.

I can’t help wishing for the days of Bram Stoker’s aristocratic vampires, with the atmospheric B&W photography adding a real shiver. The Vampire’s Assistant pales by comparison with Freaks, being less creepy than even Disney’s studio-hashed Something Wicked This Way Comes, which incidentally had it’s own nasty moment of tarantula spiders. There's even the hallmarks of a sequel. Heaven forbid!

John Bale